Sometimes I think that Blake and I exist to all of you much differently than we exist to ourselves. We exist in this world where we met in this moment of perfect serendipity, formed a strong friendship over time, and stayed up late every night laughing on opposite ends of florescent computer screens. We fell deeply in love, hand wrote letters sprayed with each other’s favorite fragrances, survived being oceans apart for almost a year, until he made a dramatic move from Australia to the other side of the world for me.
That is all very, very true.
This version of us stares back at me every day. These people, who lived through this love story two years ago, mirror our every motion, but in reverse. When Blake and I argue, or we’re exhausted, I envision this split screen couple living a parallel life where these moments of frustration and indifference don’t exist. Where bills are always paid on time, where work days end at 5:00, and where we are always thoughtful and kind.
This version of us, and this version in any relationship regardless of how your love story has played out so far, is so dangerous to having a healthy relationship. It can force you into an unforgiving corner. Blake and I lived through an incredible experience that I’m fortunate enough to be able to sit here and write about alone in a bus terminal, but that experience doesn’t define us. It is an incredible testament to what we can endure together, and when we find ourselves in darker times it always shines light on how strong we really are, but we have never been perfect.
Truthfully? Sometimes our relationship is intimidating to look at from a far. It intimidates me to think that at twenty-four, I’ve found the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. I say that without ambivalence or doubt. My feelings for Blake do not fluctuate. It intimidates me that I’ll be meeting his family, his WHOLE family, for the first time in December when we return back to Australia together. It intimidates me to think that sometimes we say things we don’t mean. It intimidates me, sometimes, to be in this large overwhelming city with this boy, when I’ve spent most of my life being fiercely independent.
For three years I left every relationship that I started behind to travel. I let them unravel like a snag on a sweater, pulling and pulling until all that was left was a trail of yarn leading back to our starting point, usually a party or a college gathering. I wanted to see the world, to know more about myself. Now, I get to share those parts of myself with somebody else, and I wonder every day if he’ll accept them
I knew I loved Blake the first time that he told me he loved me, because when I responded with, “what?” he repeated himself without hesitation. I knew I loved him at every airport hello and twice as much at every airport goodbye. I knew I loved him when I confessed that I didn’t know if I could make a move to New York City happen in only two weeks and he told me he wouldn’t let me not go. I knew I loved him the first time he was wrong in an argument, and realized half way through that there was no turning back. I loved him even harder the first time he told me I was wrong, and I’ve loved him every time since.
Love has never been about who gets to be right the most. Sometimes the strongest act of love comes from admitting that you’re NOT right. Sometimes it doesn’t matter who is right.
Sometimes, nobody is.
There is a heaping pile of dishes next to the sink, and last night, we ate dinner on the couch in front of the television. Blake told me I worked too much while I worked on my computer practically burning holes through my retinas. You know what though? I wouldn’t trade places with that loved up version of us, not for anything. I know that somewhere there’s this version of us that always pushes their chairs in at the kitchen table and washes the dishes together. Somewhere I know that version of us wonders what it’s like to feel real. I wonder if they know how powerful it is to see the person they love succeed, or fail, and be the one they turn do. Do they know how to give support? Do they even have to?
I wonder if they wonder what it’s like to live in a world where people ask each other to come back to bed.
findingravity
I love this so very much. All the best to you and Blake, and I hope that memory of you two — although it doesn’t entirely define you — keeps you afloat through uncomfortable times.
Thanks so much, those are lovely words! I appreciate your kindness. Thanks for reading! xo
Your posts are always so good because they’re personal without being alienating to the audience. I always know that whatever I read of yours is going to be heartwarming without being nauseating, and have a dose of reality! I’m so glad that blogs like yours exist.
Thanks so much! I love your blog as well. Sometimes it’s scary being this honest to a bunch of strangers, but with this kind of vulnerability comes a lot of clarity!
I hope your writing also gives you that!
Your posts are so good because they’re personal without being alienating; there’s an overriding message that’s relatable. I always know that I’m going to enjoy reading what you write because its heartwarming without being nauseating, and has a healthy dose of reality. I am so glad that blogs like yours exist; it’s like having the oppurtunity to talk directly to your favorite authors
That last paragraph was amazing and brought me a sense of calm. Thanku
I’m glad that it made you feel that way!
Gosh, I always love how you transpire your innermost thoughts and feelings into words. This was profoundly written.
p.s You’re so blessed to have found the love of your life at 24! I’m 25 and still searching. Cheers!
So fortunate! Fall in love with as many things as you can, 25 is still SO young. I’ll be 25 a few short months!
Can’t tell you enough how wonderful this piece is. Kudos — for the piece, and the many worlds it talks about.
Thanks Abd! As always, thanks for reading!
That is the truth of it isn’t it …. lovely piece very nicely written
Love Mom
I really enjoyed this post. I married very young and at times it is odd to think that this thing- this search for love and a life partner- that it seems like EVERYONE around me is focusing on is already done. I feel blessed, no doubt, but it is definitely different and at times it’s annoying when people see that “perfect” version (or the terribly boring one, depending on how they view marriage) and just don’t seem to understand. Many people, especially 20somethings, can’t seem to grasp the concept of “incredibly difficult but also completely worth it and wonderful” that applies to a good, strong relationship.
That last line… loved it.
So glad, Becca! Thanks for reading!
As always, this is a beautifully written post. True love always comes from the little things.
He seems like a fantastic guy (I mean, he did send you amazing smelling pad thai haha). Since you’re also fantastic, I know you two will be happy together. You found your best friend…or in the words of Phoebe Buffet, your lobster.
Thanks, Stephen! You’re so sweet! Blake is definitely a great guy (who brings me treats at work, bonus points!) Hope you’re doing well!! xo
You are so extremely talented with words! You say things in exactly the right way. I hope one day to feel in a relationship the way you do in yours
Thank you, Jillian! Every relationship takes a lot of work, mine included! However, I consider myself very lucky!
Great post. Eloquent and real. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you so much for reading, and for your kind words!
Such wonderful writing here. So honest and real. Such a comfort to many of us who don’t have perfect relationships. I guess no one does. But when it’s real and right. It’ll all work itself out
thanks for writing this because I’m sure you’ve help some readers gain perspective on their own lives. We are all happy for you.
Not having an ideal situation that television and movies can imply that you should have is worth recognizing. Life isn’t easy but having a loving support, and teammate through life is rewarding. Go YOU!
I can only hope to help others who are seeking insight! Thank you for your kind words, they made my day. I am truly lucky!
This really touched me. What I’ve learned from you blog is that Life is not a fairy tale. There won’t be any happily ever after unless we worked for it. we have to earn the happiness of every relationship by ourselves. great post! =)
Thank you so much for reading! Relationships take work, and they can’t be perfect, but they can help you to become a more patient, kind, loving person! Come back soon! xo
You’re an incredible writer. First, I want to say congrats to you and Blake! You sound like two amazing people. It’s certainly not easy making those types of sacrifices. Love is strong though, and you’re definitely not crazy doing what you’ve done. Not like you need to hear me say that. Your writing honestly has me in tears. Tears of joy knowing that there is hope. I’m still looking for my special someone, but you’ve given me a very positive perspective on love, relationships and life in general. You’ve made my night Carley. Thank you
I just got back to reading and catching up on many posts I’ve missed and I read this, which reminded me of the first post I read all about how you met each other in all its parts. It was when I had just moved to Paris for love and was feeling the lack of confidence in my relationship. Your post here give many comfort and hope that two people could still go through things with each other (and about) but yet still find the comfort of knowing that their love and respect for one another is what binds them together. After always choosing my heart over head, I find that I’m still struggling with that aspect of love and I’m 37! I was wondering how you are both doing now?
Thanks for posting