I really dislike sharks.
I think I just heard people attempting to bust open my door with a chopped down tree trunk, while simultaneously trying to light my apartment on fire with torches.
Beauty And The Beast style
I don’t understand the whole shark fetish. Shark week is the least cool week of the entire year. In fact, I don’t even turn on my television during shark week. Why would I ever want to take time out of my life, to sit down in front of the television, just to watch a fifteen foot long beast rip a seal, human, or boat to shreds? I would rather watch paranormal activity alone in a dark room. I realize that I spent a great deal of time in Australia, which is the sharkiest area in the world, but I did a pretty good job of staying away from them while I was there.
If you’ve been following my blog, you already know that I am apprehensive and opposing of any animal trying to kill me.
This includes, but is not limited to:
-Spiders the size of army tanks
-The time I had a dream that my dog was walking on two legs holding a shot gun
-The aliens from War of the Worlds
Sharks freak me out.
When I was six, my mom and I went on a camping trip, except, we weren’t REALLY camping. We stayed in a cabin with running water and a toilet. I suppose it was camping because we were in the mountains, and at night, we huddled around the fire pit and roasted marsh mellows? I don’t know. There were no tents, but there WAS a television.
One morning, I turned on the television, hoping to catch the latest episode of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Much to my surprise, a grown up movie was on! My mom was getting ready in the bathroom, and if you know my mom, you know that her morning routine allows time for six episodes of T.M.N.T. I began watching the grown up movie, which seemed like a fairly reasonable movie about nude grownups on a beach, sitting around a fire, and jumping into the ocean, (a perfectly suitable movie for a six year old)…Until I saw it—the monstrosity under water, thrashing a naked woman around like a dog with a chew toy. The water turned crimson as her limp, lifeless body floated on top of the ocean. All of the color drained from my face as I began screaming at the top of my lungs.
That is where my ludicrous aversion to sharks began.
The family trip to Universal Studios happened around age 15. I had been on all of the rides, some of them twice. I let King Kong rattle my cage. I stood fearlessly in center of a twister, as cows and bales of hay flew past me. I even took a trip back to the future. All of the rides seemed new and exciting…All but one, Jaws.
Approaching the fake large shark, next to the ride, hanging upside-down by its tail was too much for me. I did not want to stand next to the big fake shark, nor did I want to take a picture with my head inside the shark’s mouth for a novelty photo. I kept picturing the shark somehow falling free of the thick rope holding it to the wooden frame. I could see the possibility of it all happening, the fake shark would plunge toward me, mouth open, swallowing me whole.
But the ride? FORGET IT.
Whoever thought of a Jaws ride should be put on an island surrounded by sharks.
I’ve used this phrase multiple times throughout my life, to express my distaste for a particular group of people, who engage in behavior that I find offensive.
i.e. “People who drive in the passing lane, and go 40, should be put on an island surrounded by sharks.”
My family realized that the Jaws ride was the only ride we had not been on. Tauntingly, my loving father nudged me toward the ride.
“Hey Carley, ready to go on the Jaws ride?”
“No we’re not.”
“Yes we are!”
“I’m not going on that ride.”
I was about to suggest putting my entire family on an island surrounded by sharks, until Dad bribed me with five dollars.
I then used the five dollars to try and buy myself a new family when the ride was over.
Is my hipster shark less intimidating? No? I didn’t think so either.
Do you think the photographer who decided getting this close to a shark was a good idea, would be interested in sharing photo credit because my paint skills are so sweet?
No? I didn’t think so either.